roseisrdead

I am a very good liar. 
I just pretend that I'm not. 
Everyone knows that I can't lie- on the surface. If I'm "lying" to you, its completely superficial, and I just want you to ask whats wrong. 
I actually lie all the time. To my parents, to my teachers, to my friends. 
I let them catch me in little lies, so they think I can't. 
But I can.

<lj-cut text="the entire entry is more like a rant, and it will potentially be offensive/triggering/there may be foul language used. therefore, it is all under the cut, and if you click this, then don't pretend I didn't warn you"> 
So I haven't really posted to the community yet. 
Hi.
I'm Rose. 
I cut. 
I'm trying to stop, because my friends are always bitching at me about how bad it is for me.
I usually use razors[blades still in casing] and have those flat cuts that leave big scars. 
The only time I use other things[knives, razorblades, scalpel] is when I'm trying to do detail work, such as words or shapes, or I'm going for thin scratches.

without further ado, my rant.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me?? 
I have this uncontrollable urge to take a razorblade and carve his initials into my hipbone. 
Why, why, why am I letting that memory control me like this?
[to the community, does anyone ever do initials of people who've hurt them??? also, do you feel that weird urge to just attack yourself, when nothing recent's really happened?]
I've been pretty suicidal today, and I mean, I'm probably not going to, but apparently I sound serious, because Shona was really upset. idk. 
I'm so freaking stupid. 
~end of rant~

if anyone actually took the time to read my random upsetness, I loves you. :) 
~Rose

So if that quote's right, wouldn't we all be acting? 
Everyone's acting, which means that EVERYONE is a poser. 
We're always going to be something we're not. Everyone can act, its just whether or not the person can act, and stay in the character assumed by their character. 
On that note, I've recieved a bit part in the play again. 
Whereas Sam, who everyone says is no better of an actress than me, got the lead. 
Oh well. I'm not meant to be a star. I'm always going to be the background, and I need to get damn well used to it. 
I've got this theory, that everyone is defined by the color... I'm not sure what the colors are, but they're obvious to me which color goes to which person. idk. Anyway, every person has colors, and if they're meant to stand out, they've got sparkles. Sparkly people just... GLIMMER. Now, the color of your sparkles is all related to your personality, not nessesarily your looks. Most of the typical "queen bee" types are pink sparklies, and goth, punk, or emo, tend to be darker, reds or blacks or purples. you know what I mean?
Well, unfortunately, I have no sparkles. I am meant to be a backdrop for someone else's colors. 
Cest la Vie.